With that in mind, I thought I’d highlight some of the sites that help me start my morning every day.  You really don’t want to talk to me before I’ve had a coffee and read a lolcat….

First of all, there is teh calssic lolcats: i can has cheeseburger always delivers.

There are other places to get your ungrammatical laughs, but the voting page on i can has cheeseburger means that most of the crud gets sorted out before it gets to you.  There’s various spin offs – lolbots is my favourite, and of course, there is also i has a hotdog, which is same same but different – it’s only for dogs.

There’s also Fail dogs, and, in similar vein, fail blog.  Funny, but I don’t know about you – a picture of a guy with his face on fire and the word ‘fail’ underneath doesn’t make me feel like a great person.  Bit hit and miss, that one.  Oh, and don’t read the comments.

Often, if I’m feeling stressed, I’ll pop over to cute overload and let the baby animals work their magic on my blood pressure.  Aaaaaaaah.  There’s daily puppy and adorablog etc, too, but one of these sites is enough for me.  They all link to each other, so if it’s your bag, they’re easy to find.

Disapproving Rabbits, on the other hand, is twice the cute, with half to saccharine.  So much disapproval in so many little furry bodies.

Back to the humans.  Post Secret is great for making you feel better about humanity – or your own life.  It’s certianly always interesting.  Only updated on the weekend, and no archives, but I always start my Monday with it.  Then there’s go fug yourself, for some fashion humour (plus, a stress-free way to keep up with celebrities enough to pretend like you know what’s going on).  There’s graph jam, for a quick pop-culture reference and, in the same vein (but more old skool), indexed.

Bent objects is always good for a laugh, as is alpha mom.

I won’t bore you with all the comics I need, but you should definetely, definitely check out xkcd.  That man is a genius.  Penny Arcade is also essential reading for all internet people – and usually very funny (unless you have no idea what they’re talking about.  But even then, at least it’s pretty)

I think that’s enough random linkage for now.  Hope you’ve found something to enjoy!

xkcd comic 262

I’m not going to write about a specific genre; there are a lot of blogs about particular genres and I have no wish to compete with them. What I am going to do here is a mishmash of books I love, books I have loved for a long time, and books I am learning to love. And maybe a few books that are awful.

First ups, the book I’m doing today is a little known Australian crime classic called ‘The Misplaced Corpse’, by A. E Martin. First published in 1944, the book was recently reissued by the Wakefield Press. Introducing red-headed Rosie Bosanky, ‘alarming, disarming and altogether charming’, this book might have been written a modern audience in mind. Featuring Australia’s first female private eye (Phryne Fisher is cheating, guys!), this book might be considered pretty groundbreaking.

Rosie rocks! She knows exactly how good her figure is and how to dress it, and has no compunction about using it to get her own ends; she knows how to read fingerprints and handle a gun; she can take an approximate time of death with no instruments but her eyes and her hands and she knows exactly how far to lead on a man so that he may be useful without getting too close.

She was taught most of his by her policeman Pappy, in a manner that might raise eyebrows today. I imagine it would have raised a few eyebrows then: Rosie was raised on a huge collection of murder stories, learns exactly which big crime bosses are banging who, and when she got older, had dad takes her for visits to the local morgue.

Rosie has had her office open only one day when a plum client falls into her lap; Roy Stockforth Adams, a clueless and very well heeled gentleman whose wife has cleared out on him. It looks to everyone like Roy has been made a fool of, but things take a dfferent turn when Rosie and Roy find a corpse in his wife’s room. Roy, of course, becomes chief suspect, but with Rosie believing in him (and keen to keep the bank cheques coming) the mystery deepens.

The mystery is certainly interesting, but the real entertainment comes from Rosie herself. Her conversational tone is highly engaging, and is peppered with a mix of mispelled franglais (rendezvooz, for example), Shakespearean references, and charming confidences. But I will let her speak for herself:

‘I would be the last one in the world to lead you up the garden path and I wanta say now, if you got in your mind this is a war book, you had best go and fight the bookseller for your money back because its a book about my first case which occurred when the war was a pup and which I gave the name The Misplaced Corpse, because, if ever a corpse was misplaced it was this one.’

Without quoting the entire book it is hard to give a sense of just how fun Rosie’s story is to read, and I would advise you to investigate a copy to flick through, so that I can prove my point in something less than 3000 words. Let is just be said that Rosie Bosanky is hot stuff, and in this book she will solve the mystery, meet a few charmers (including fancy Clancy), give a few friend’s specials (wouldn’t you like to know what they are?) and finally get her hands on that seventeen guinea hat from Mlle Fifine’s.

I knit.  I’ve known how to knit since I was a kid.  It never really occurred to me that I could knit anything person-shaped, until I stumbled across a million and one craft blogs.  I picked up a magazine, decided I’d knit a sock, and Bob’s your mother’s brother!  I have a craft blog of my own, although it’s been languishing a bit lately.  The crafting community online is just fantastic.  I think it’s that we all have something in common – we use our hands, and we make things.  It doesn’t matter much what.  Scarves, jumpers, quilts, jewelry, chairs, anything!  Just the act of creating something out of simple materials transforms the way you see the world.

I’m hoping, in future issues, to go over some online-craft finds, especially things we’ve tried ourselves.  The other thing that online crafting gives us that nothing else can do quite as well, is alt craft.  It’s kind of hard to explain, but if it gives you that anarchist buzz, it’s probably alt.

Crafster, Threadbanger and Cut out and keep are three good examples of places you can find alt crafters doing there thing.  Of course a lot of stuff is spread out through teh interwebs.  Hopefully, when we find something, we’ll be able to tell you about it.  Somewhere that already does this well is craftzine, or makezine, if you’re more into metal and wood than fabric and fibre.  They put out hard copy issues (you can get them mailed over, or I saw one in Borders the other day… for $35.   Scandal)  and also have great blogs, where they aggregate a whole bunch of cool finds.

Even knitty.com is pretty alt.  They have things that you could never ever find in a traditional, paper magazine – nautili toys and space-invader socks.  Binary scarves and fake boobs.  And of course, there’s the anti-craft, chock full of knitting, baking, crafting goodness, with a decidedly dark feel.

 If you know of a great alt-craft site or have done something cool yourself, let us know!  In the meantime, happy surfing!

 C

I showed it to a friend, and she thought that it was a spoof list.  It took about ten minutes to convince her that it was real. 

So I decided to see if i could make it even more ridiculous…

<Note: this diatribe is in no way a polemic against marriage as such, or commitment in general.  C finds that this institution can often be charming, when done right.  But Jiminy Christmas, people! Also, this probably won’t make much sense unless you check out the original list.>

It doesn’t matter which hetero-normative vision of nuptials you ascribe to, there’s one thing we know – you WILL get married.  Unless, of course, you are too fat, or maybe you are a *pause for effect* feminist.  Heaven forbid.  Let’s not even discuss the other, much worse things you could be.  Anyway, unless you are labouring under one of these problems, there will come a time where you will have to give up the things you love for the sake of your other half.  So may as well love them while you’ve got them.

Sleep with someone you don’t even like that much, just because he conforms to the social norms of what is attractive in a man.  I’m not sure about this one.  There are two possibilities, neither of them good.  A) the author is so caught up on the idea of getting married that she needs to be told to enjoy her youth and her body however feels best, because it has not occurred to her that a man can be anything other than a ticket to a white dress.  Or b) the author is so caught up in what makes a man physically attractive that she doesn’t consider whether she’s actually attracted to him.  I mean, it doesn’t say ‘just because he turns you on’ or ‘just because he is gorgeous’.  Maybe she assumes everyone is an ab-appreciator.  At any rate, O, RLY? endorses good sex, whether it’s with someone you will love for ever and always, or someone you will enjoy getting sweaty with, and then never need to see again.  Just take it from us – make sure you are actually attracted to them, not just the idea of them.

 Collect future dinner-party fodder.  Find some interesting-looking countries on a map, ones with nice, long names.  Find out where they have poor people (but not too many!) and also make brightly-coloured souvenirs.  Go there.  That way, you can say things like ‘when I was in Peru, the poverty was just heartbreaking!’ or ‘oh, yes!  I bought that in Tuvalu.  Lovely little country.  Did you know…?’  People will think you’re smarter than you are if they’ve never heard of the place, too.

 Embrace feminine décor OK, I’m going to have to break the fourth wall here (also, this may be a bit ranty – I know, shocking, right!).  I’m struggling with this one.  I mean, my flat is fairly feminine, in an understated way.  But I hate pink.  And I hate all that kitschy crap… I will never, never buy wicker balls to put in a bowl on the coffee table.  However, if that’s what floats your boat, I am totally behind you doing it.  I mean, this hypothetical woman is living by herself, right?  She can do what she wants; she’s the only one who has to look at it.  And she should have a nice space that she feels comfortable in.  It’s fun to make your space how you like it – provided you have the time, money and care about it.  So, I’m all for the sentiment.  And the idea that you wouldn’t paint the walls pink because that’ll freak out your future husband is a little creepy (but possibly sound advice).

However, what has a ‘hip, fabulous ring’ got to do with throw pillows?  And also, WHAT?  ‘Get in all that bling now, because when you are one half of a smug couple, you’ll want everyone to have to pay attention to your symbol of triumph.’  D00ds.  Not cool.

 Take advantage of the whole bed.  Amen.  No snark to be had here.  Let’s get sprawling!

 Spend an embarrassing amount of money on a designer bag you love or heels that make you feel incredibly sexy. OK, so, I kinda have to agree, again.  I mean, maybe not just a purse or heels – that’s kind of limiting.  I’m with hypothetical ‘hubby’ here, in wondering why some piece of PVC stitched together by 8 years old who earn 8 cents a day might be worth thousands of dollars.  But again – if it’s what your heart desires, and you earnt the money… go for it!  It worries me that people need to be told that.  And also that they might not need to be told it, because splurging is all they know.  Fiscal responsibility is important, kids.

 Learn how to change a tire and work a drill.  OK, maybe this list isn’t as ridiculous as I thought.  This is a good idea.  While you’re at it, learn how to sew on a button and boil an egg – self sufficiency is important on both sides of the gender line.  Learn what you are willing to do, and what it’s worth paying someone else to do.  Maybe you find out you love working that hammer and drill, but the idea of changing a tire makes you come out in a cold sweat.  It’s important to know what you can and will do.

 Slip one of those furry covers on the toilet. So I take it back – this list is totally ridiculous.  I really don’t want to offend anyone, but I am ANTI toilet seat covers.  It’s not OK to paint the walls pink, but it’s OK to have a pink fluffy cover on the seat?  One that you want so much that you are willing to coerce the love of your life into placing his sit upon on this abomination every day.  Also, what to wild parties have to do with toilet seat covers?!?!?!

 Get a grip on your dough. And we’re back to the good advice!  This author is doing my head in, I tell you.  We all know that money troubles top the list of things that can make a relationship rocky.  It’s a great idea to know what your earning power is, and how to spend it, before you get into a forever-after type relationship.  That way, you might even be able to afford that child-labour handbag even after you’re married!

 Have your dad take you out to dinner as often as possible. Right.  Good relationships with father?  Check.  Sponged off of him as long as possible?  Check.  Intolerable princess?  Check!  Never mind, sponging off of are what husbands are for.  After all, if you haven’t been sponging off of dad, the symbolism of him giving you away to your groom is meaningless!  Another tradition rescued by selfishness! (Cue cheering)

 Hone a signature lingerie style. Ok, ok, wait.  Is this for real?  Hone.  Not just ‘figure out what suits your body and personal taste, but ‘hone.’  Hone.  Hone a lingerie style?  Oy, my head.  I just don’t even know what to say.

 Want a cat? Heed this advice: Buy it now. Hmm, sounds like someone is almost as bitter as me!  Well, after the last tip, I’ve sort of lost my motivation.  Sure, buy a cat.  Buy two!  In fact, why not buy a cat and paint it pink, and tie a bow around its neck.  You’ll be the resident crazy cat lady in no time.  Guys like that.  Being unhinged is HOT.

 If all you feel like eating for dinner is ice cream and diet soda, buy a cone and pop a Coke. Proper nutrition is overrated!  Of course, after you do this, you will have to starve yourself for a week, in order to ensure you still fit into that wedding dress you’ve had planned since you were two.  But hey!  It’s all about indulging, right?   C adds: a) why can’t you eat it when you’re married (you can both eat it, right?) and b) why would I have a DIET soda with my ice cream?????  I think what we have here is a fundamental misunderstanding of what food is FOR.  Although, I know I often crave aspartame… NOT.

 Use tons of hot water in the a.m. Because marriage is all about sacrifice for a woman.  Don’t fool yourselves, ladies; the only way to get enough water in your shower is to stay single.  And it’s just not worth the price.  Hey, wait.  Isn’t there a drought? OH MY GOD THIS IS MAKING ME CRAZY.

 Take your celeb crush to the max. Because setting impossible standards for male beauty and pretending that you are still 14 is so balanced and healthy.  That said, take my advice.  If you need to fantasise about someone (and so you should, too) try and make it someone you don’t actually know.  It reduces awkwardness at work, and besides, that’s what celebrities are for.

 Plan your fantasy wedding. creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppppppppppyyyyyyyyyy.  Wigs guys out?  Consider me officially WIGGED.

 Start a pleasure ritual that a change in your relationship status can’t disturb. OK, clearly this is one of two things.  Either there are two people writing this list, or they’re doing this on purpose, just to mess with my head.  This is good advice, although, again, limited.  Find something you love – anything – and do it.  If that means standing at the sink eating crackers, or cleaning your oven out on Saturday morning, or, yes, even yoga classes at the fanciest studio in town, then do it.  Having things you like to do and doing them keeps you sane.  Everybody loves a sane wife!

  Set up your home in a way that fits your needs. Why does all the good advice in this list come with a tag that tells you just how limited this woman’s life is?  What would fit your needs best?  Well, doing my makeup is the most important thing in the whole world.  I need all my appliances there so I can do it at my leisure.  Next list?  Why you should never have children – they just muck up your schedule.

 Whew.  OK, now I need a Bex and a lie-down.  And maybe a nice cup of tea…

Learn to be selfish. There is going to be a lot of compromise in your life once you’re in a committed relationship, so enjoy the times when you don’t have to compromise at all to the full.

Practise being forgiving of people’s faults. Its a good habit regardless, and it will make being in a relationship much more worthwhile. Especially since he will be forgiving yours faults, too.

Learn to make friends with boys. They are fun, interesting, and hilarious. This will have two effects: it will make it much easier to meet your partner, and it will make it much easier to get on with all his mates once you do.

Make lots of friends, generally. No one person will never be able to give you everything you need, (just like he will never be able to give you everything you need) so make sure you’re getting the rest from your friends.

Forget about having the perfect boyfriend. He does not exist.

 
If you think getting married will solve your relationship issues, think again. If getting married would make big changes to the way you and your partner interact together, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

 
Learn to be happy on your own. Marriage may give you companionship and passion and good times and love, but in the end you are on your own. So learn to love yourself and your own company. Don’t be that girlfriend who can’t go to a party without her partner.

Stop putting pressure on yourself. Your life doesn’t have to be perfect now. Relax and enjoy what you’re doing right now. This is your life, and it doesn’t belong to anyone else. You don’t need to get married to be a complete person, you are a complete person already.

 Our tagline is ‘snarky and sweet’.  This is for two reasons.  One, I’m snarky.  D is sweet.  (Although we both reserve the rights to switch.) 

Two, what is it that is so sickening about women’s magazines?  For me, it’s the lack of snark.  This might just be me, but there’s nothing I find funnier than self-referential humour, and there’s nothing better than a serious subject treated with humour and self-deprecation.  And, on the flip side, what’s more tragic than a trivial subject treated with dead sincerity.  

I mean, I know that there are plenty of things that I take seriously that I probably shouldn’t.  You know: the state of my hair, other people’s grammatical mistakes, Joss Weldon, myself.  But c’mon!  A bit of perspective, people.  I hereby promise you that O, RLY? will attempt to walk that tricky line in the middle of sincerity and depreciation.  If we are feeling really Zen, we might even manage them both at the same time.

 We know what we would like O, RLY? to be: a magazine-style look at the world, without the stupidity.  I know, I know.  Once you take that out, there’s not much left.  But I think there is something here, otherwise, of course, I wouldn’t be writing this.

 When this idea started, I remember telling D how alienated I had felt as a kid, reading all those shiny girls’ and women’s magazines.  All the quizzes were for people with totally different lives (‘Will he marry you?’ ‘What kind of office worker are you?’ ‘How should you decorate your apartment?’ ‘What cocktail are you?’).  I always thought that maybe, when I got older, there’d be more in there for me.  Turns out, just the opposite.  I can’t open a women’s magazine without cringing, or having an upchuck reflex, or yelling at the page.  Not only do they not have much at all to do with the life I have, they have nothing to do with the life I want.

 Tomorrow’s feature will show you what I mean.  It’s a list that we found online.  It was originally published in Cosmo magazine, and it makes me want to hurt someone (sidenote: kids, violence is not the answer.  Usually.  I mean, almost always. Seriously.  Very rarely.).  What century do these people think we’re living in?  What millennium? 

 I’ll keep my rant for a later date, but the point of all this is this: where is MY magazine?  Sure, there are niche publications out there, plenty of them.  Some of them overlap what we’re trying to be.  The trouble with niches is – well, they’re niche.  There’s not one that I’ve found that is just right.  Just call me Goldilocks, but I’m interested enough in that magazine, that one I can’t find, to have a crack at it myself – ourselves.

 And by ourselves, I don’t just mean D and I.  I mean you, too.  All you currently non-existent readers.  Anyone and everyone.  I’m not expecting to find you soon, but eventually I hope there will be an actual audience.  Maybe *gasp* even a community.  How web 2.0!  Just call me Kevin Rose.  When we find you – or you find us, that will change what O, RLY? becomes.  I’m looking forward to finding out what that is.  Hopefully you are, too.

 C