April 22, 2008
Posted in Advice tagged Advice, Lists, Things To Do... at 4:52 am by C
A while ago, we came across this list. Go and check it out. Seriously, go on. We’ll wait.
I showed it to a friend, and she thought that it was a spoof list. It took about ten minutes to convince her that it was real.
So I decided to see if i could make it even more ridiculous…
<Note: this diatribe is in no way a polemic against marriage as such, or commitment in general. C finds that this institution can often be charming, when done right. But Jiminy Christmas, people! Also, this probably won’t make much sense unless you check out the original list.>
It doesn’t matter which hetero-normative vision of nuptials you ascribe to, there’s one thing we know – you WILL get married. Unless, of course, you are too fat, or maybe you are a *pause for effect* feminist. Heaven forbid. Let’s not even discuss the other, much worse things you could be. Anyway, unless you are labouring under one of these problems, there will come a time where you will have to give up the things you love for the sake of your other half. So may as well love them while you’ve got them.
Sleep with someone you don’t even like that much, just because he conforms to the social norms of what is attractive in a man. I’m not sure about this one. There are two possibilities, neither of them good. A) the author is so caught up on the idea of getting married that she needs to be told to enjoy her youth and her body however feels best, because it has not occurred to her that a man can be anything other than a ticket to a white dress. Or b) the author is so caught up in what makes a man physically attractive that she doesn’t consider whether she’s actually attracted to him. I mean, it doesn’t say ‘just because he turns you on’ or ‘just because he is gorgeous’. Maybe she assumes everyone is an ab-appreciator. At any rate, O, RLY? endorses good sex, whether it’s with someone you will love for ever and always, or someone you will enjoy getting sweaty with, and then never need to see again. Just take it from us – make sure you are actually attracted to them, not just the idea of them.
Collect future dinner-party fodder. Find some interesting-looking countries on a map, ones with nice, long names. Find out where they have poor people (but not too many!) and also make brightly-coloured souvenirs. Go there. That way, you can say things like ‘when I was in Peru, the poverty was just heartbreaking!’ or ‘oh, yes! I bought that in Tuvalu. Lovely little country. Did you know…?’ People will think you’re smarter than you are if they’ve never heard of the place, too.
Embrace feminine décor OK, I’m going to have to break the fourth wall here (also, this may be a bit ranty – I know, shocking, right!). I’m struggling with this one. I mean, my flat is fairly feminine, in an understated way. But I hate pink. And I hate all that kitschy crap… I will never, never buy wicker balls to put in a bowl on the coffee table. However, if that’s what floats your boat, I am totally behind you doing it. I mean, this hypothetical woman is living by herself, right? She can do what she wants; she’s the only one who has to look at it. And she should have a nice space that she feels comfortable in. It’s fun to make your space how you like it – provided you have the time, money and care about it. So, I’m all for the sentiment. And the idea that you wouldn’t paint the walls pink because that’ll freak out your future husband is a little creepy (but possibly sound advice).
However, what has a ‘hip, fabulous ring’ got to do with throw pillows? And also, WHAT? ‘Get in all that bling now, because when you are one half of a smug couple, you’ll want everyone to have to pay attention to your symbol of triumph.’ D00ds. Not cool.
Take advantage of the whole bed. Amen. No snark to be had here. Let’s get sprawling!
Spend an embarrassing amount of money on a designer bag you love or heels that make you feel incredibly sexy. OK, so, I kinda have to agree, again. I mean, maybe not just a purse or heels – that’s kind of limiting. I’m with hypothetical ‘hubby’ here, in wondering why some piece of PVC stitched together by 8 years old who earn 8 cents a day might be worth thousands of dollars. But again – if it’s what your heart desires, and you earnt the money… go for it! It worries me that people need to be told that. And also that they might not need to be told it, because splurging is all they know. Fiscal responsibility is important, kids.
Learn how to change a tire and work a drill. OK, maybe this list isn’t as ridiculous as I thought. This is a good idea. While you’re at it, learn how to sew on a button and boil an egg – self sufficiency is important on both sides of the gender line. Learn what you are willing to do, and what it’s worth paying someone else to do. Maybe you find out you love working that hammer and drill, but the idea of changing a tire makes you come out in a cold sweat. It’s important to know what you can and will do.
Slip one of those furry covers on the toilet. So I take it back – this list is totally ridiculous. I really don’t want to offend anyone, but I am ANTI toilet seat covers. It’s not OK to paint the walls pink, but it’s OK to have a pink fluffy cover on the seat? One that you want so much that you are willing to coerce the love of your life into placing his sit upon on this abomination every day. Also, what to wild parties have to do with toilet seat covers?!?!?!
Get a grip on your dough. And we’re back to the good advice! This author is doing my head in, I tell you. We all know that money troubles top the list of things that can make a relationship rocky. It’s a great idea to know what your earning power is, and how to spend it, before you get into a forever-after type relationship. That way, you might even be able to afford that child-labour handbag even after you’re married!
Have your dad take you out to dinner as often as possible. Right. Good relationships with father? Check. Sponged off of him as long as possible? Check. Intolerable princess? Check! Never mind, sponging off of are what husbands are for. After all, if you haven’t been sponging off of dad, the symbolism of him giving you away to your groom is meaningless! Another tradition rescued by selfishness! (Cue cheering)
Hone a signature lingerie style. Ok, ok, wait. Is this for real? Hone. Not just ‘figure out what suits your body and personal taste, but ‘hone.’ Hone. Hone a lingerie style? Oy, my head. I just don’t even know what to say.
Want a cat? Heed this advice: Buy it now. Hmm, sounds like someone is almost as bitter as me! Well, after the last tip, I’ve sort of lost my motivation. Sure, buy a cat. Buy two! In fact, why not buy a cat and paint it pink, and tie a bow around its neck. You’ll be the resident crazy cat lady in no time. Guys like that. Being unhinged is HOT.
If all you feel like eating for dinner is ice cream and diet soda, buy a cone and pop a Coke. Proper nutrition is overrated! Of course, after you do this, you will have to starve yourself for a week, in order to ensure you still fit into that wedding dress you’ve had planned since you were two. But hey! It’s all about indulging, right? C adds: a) why can’t you eat it when you’re married (you can both eat it, right?) and b) why would I have a DIET soda with my ice cream????? I think what we have here is a fundamental misunderstanding of what food is FOR. Although, I know I often crave aspartame… NOT.
Use tons of hot water in the a.m. Because marriage is all about sacrifice for a woman. Don’t fool yourselves, ladies; the only way to get enough water in your shower is to stay single. And it’s just not worth the price. Hey, wait. Isn’t there a drought? OH MY GOD THIS IS MAKING ME CRAZY.
Take your celeb crush to the max. Because setting impossible standards for male beauty and pretending that you are still 14 is so balanced and healthy. That said, take my advice. If you need to fantasise about someone (and so you should, too) try and make it someone you don’t actually know. It reduces awkwardness at work, and besides, that’s what celebrities are for.
Plan your fantasy wedding. creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppppppppppyyyyyyyyyy. Wigs guys out? Consider me officially WIGGED.
Start a pleasure ritual that a change in your relationship status can’t disturb. OK, clearly this is one of two things. Either there are two people writing this list, or they’re doing this on purpose, just to mess with my head. This is good advice, although, again, limited. Find something you love – anything – and do it. If that means standing at the sink eating crackers, or cleaning your oven out on Saturday morning, or, yes, even yoga classes at the fanciest studio in town, then do it. Having things you like to do and doing them keeps you sane. Everybody loves a sane wife!
Set up your home in a way that fits your needs. Why does all the good advice in this list come with a tag that tells you just how limited this woman’s life is? What would fit your needs best? Well, doing my makeup is the most important thing in the whole world. I need all my appliances there so I can do it at my leisure. Next list? Why you should never have children – they just muck up your schedule.
Whew. OK, now I need a Bex and a lie-down. And maybe a nice cup of tea…
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Posted in Advice at 2:58 am by D
Spend time with yourself. Work out who you are and what you like doing, and spend as much time as possible doing it.
Learn to be selfish. There is going to be a lot of compromise in your life once you’re in a committed relationship, so enjoy the times when you don’t have to compromise at all to the full.
Practise being forgiving of people’s faults. Its a good habit regardless, and it will make being in a relationship much more worthwhile. Especially since he will be forgiving yours faults, too.
Learn to make friends with boys. They are fun, interesting, and hilarious. This will have two effects: it will make it much easier to meet your partner, and it will make it much easier to get on with all his mates once you do.
Make lots of friends, generally. No one person will never be able to give you everything you need, (just like he will never be able to give you everything you need) so make sure you’re getting the rest from your friends.
Forget about having the perfect boyfriend. He does not exist.
If you think getting married will solve your relationship issues, think again. If getting married would make big changes to the way you and your partner interact together, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.
Learn to be happy on your own. Marriage may give you companionship and passion and good times and love, but in the end you are on your own. So learn to love yourself and your own company. Don’t be that girlfriend who can’t go to a party without her partner.
Stop putting pressure on yourself. Your life doesn’t have to be perfect now. Relax and enjoy what you’re doing right now. This is your life, and it doesn’t belong to anyone else. You don’t need to get married to be a complete person, you are a complete person already.
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