Dear Raging Homophobic,

I assume you’ve learned from the last discrimination suit brought against you that your brand of plain speaking does not go down well in the workplace. Fortunately, I am not a part of your workplace and am therefore entitled to do a bit of plain speaking myself.

Maybe you need to think about your own feelings in all this. What’s got you so het up about someone else’s sex life? What, is your wife holding out on you? Maybe she was so turned off by the time you said you wanted to fuck her UTAH (that’s right, kids, Up the A Hole) that she can’t look at you the same way anymore, because anal sex isn’t natural, and now she just isn’t that into you. And maybe you caught a look at the new fax boy as he was bending over to put paper in the copier and you got a little hot under your nice Armani collar, but you haven’t thought about that for a while, not since the last time you downloaded gay porn anyway, right?

Right.

This new employee does not want to bang you, dude. So why don’t you go home, pour yourself a drink, and jack off to that volleyball scene in Top Gun again? And when you go to work tomorrow, try to remember that he finds you a lot more unattractive than you find him.

Warm Regards,

D